Life Lesson from "The Human Centipede"

Just watched "The Human Centipede" and I've learned some valuble life lessons of what to teach my children...
1. If you must take a shit on the side of road in the woods...stay alert and dont turn your back on the road.
2. Teach all of my kids especially the girls how to change a damn tire.
3. Tell them, "If you cannot fix the problem and require further assistance and a creepy old German dude offers to fuck you in exchange for help. Take the help and give up the ass then either kill him or just take it and tell noone of the event. Otherwise you might end up wandering in the woods until you stumble across the home of an even creepier dude that will drug you, shave off your knee caps and surgically join your friends mouth to your anus and your mouth to the anus of a very angry Japaneese dude."
4. # 3 can be avoided if they just learn how to change a tire and to make sure they dont fight the lesson, I'll make them watch The Human Centipede.
5. Nobody wants to be segment B.

Here it is. In long form… The Dash to the Warrior Dash. (Fuckery Defined)

I tried to write this right after the Dash and lost the whole thing on an ID-Ten-T error (I'm a nerd and if you know what that is without looking it up, then you are too)

Step 1: Register for Warrior Dash at last possible minute and pay maximum for taking so long. ($95)

Step 2: Reserve car days before trip. (Dodge Charger for the city special of $54 + gas & insurance. Booya!)

Step 3: Purchase many temporary tattoos and aggressive eyebrows and mustache. ($50 well spent)

Step 4: Shave head and Apply expensive tattoos at night.

Step 5: Apply cheaper tattoos in the morning.

 Step 6: Head into the city. So far so good. Even call Dollar Rent-a-car to insure everything is nice and ready. CONFRIMED ($2.50 Bus fare)

Step 7: Go pick up Dodge Charger from Dollar….and it begins….

Mumbling dude at counter

We don’t have any cars.

Young Bald Black Man with Tattoos on his face:

But I made a reservation.

Mumbling Douche at counter:   ßNote: Dude is now Douche

Yea but we don’t have any cars. Write your name on this list and we’ll call you when we do.

Young Bald Black man with Tattoos on his face:

What the fuck is the point of making a fucking reservation is you don’t have any fucking cars?

Note: I hate to be the guy cursing out the people at the counter because everybody there can see that it’s not really their fault and you just look like a complete tool but if you happen to be a Young Bald Black Man with Tattoos on his face, head, and arms….you really just look like a walking assault charge. (Props to Sasha for talking me out of getting arrested)

Fuck Dollar. I anit writing shit or sticking around for shit. I got places to go, fire to jump, beer to drink, and turkey leg with my name on it. There is an Avis around the corner.

Nice lady at Avis

I got an Altima I can give you right now (for twice the price you were paying at Dollar)

Young Bald Black man with Tattoos on his face:

Fuck it. That’ll have to work.  *digging through wallet for card*

Nice lady at Avis

Oh we cant take that card. You need a credit card.

Young Bald Black man with Tattoos on his face:

Oh yea, of course *realizing I don’t have my credit cards because I didn’t really need them* …SHIT...I don’t have my cards. I took them out to protect me from me. Thank you.

Ok at this point my last alternative is to get a zipcar. Sure it’s the most expensive option but it’s all I got. I open my phone and find that there is ONE zipcar available on the entire island of Manhattan. It’s a Volvo and its going to cost $168 dollars plus an additional $44 bucks for the extra mileage that I will put on it during the 6 hours I’ll spend there and back. I have no choice. Bring on the pain. I click reserve and the car is magically gone. FUCK.

Now this is where any normal person would think about what is happening and decide to turn around and go home. Not me. I can never be normal, I’m a Lemon. We don’t like shallow graves, we dig until we reach the core of the earth, take a break for some whiskey and dig some more. So I hop on the bus to get my credit cards so can come back to get this Altima and hit the road. (another  $5 in bus fare) On my return I decide to stop by Dollar to see if they have cars now since I’d be spending so much more at Avis.

Mumbling Douche at counter:

I called you. You no answer. I leave voice mail.

Young Bald Black man with Tattoos on his face:

I have neither missed calls nor voicemails. (Either he’s lying or this is more Sprint fuckery)

We do all the paper work (Oh and those card i went to get were already maxed and couldn't be used anyway so my check card worked just fine) and he sends me down to get the car. Mind you my initial reservation was for 10am. It is now 1:15pm and my wave starts at 3:30pm. I have to drive 3 hours and pick up my packet at registration. GO!

Here it is. The attendant pulls my nice shiny…gold Mercury  Grand Marquis?

Fuck it. Hit the high way and I’m ghost. Speeding without a care since I’m pretty much in a cop car (or a gypsy cab. Either way, nobody wants to get pulled over or hit) I get to my first toll and realize I don’t have any cash. I frantically dig through my backpack and find a handful of change. I throw it in the bucket and I’m through the gate. Ok I spent all my cash going back and forth from Jersey to NYC on the bus but I can pull into a rest stop and get cash before I hit 87, right? Nope. The rest stops are all along 87, not before. Now I have to ride 17 until I find an ATM and can hop on 87. Unfortunately, rural upstate New York isn’t exactly ATM capitol so by the time I find one I’ve already driven pretty far up at a speed that just isn’t going to cut it.

I find a gas station with an ATM sign and pull in. I go to the ATM and begin my transaction. A woman walks into the gas station and takes a look at me, then I look at her and she walks right back out to her car and drives off.  I almost forgot my facial tattoos. Thanks for reminding me.

Now I have my cash, a Gatorade, and a protein bar since I haven’t eaten much more than an egg today. A cop car speeds into the gas station. I don’t know why he’s here but I’m not about to find out. I hop in my car and burn out as quick as possible. Hop on 87 and I’m making record time again. I’m going to miss my wave but I’m sure I can get them to let into the last one at 4:00pm.  I get up the mountain and get stuck behind a slow moving cop car. I’m frustrated but I know that if the cop wasn’t there I’d probably speed off the side of the mountain.

I pull into the parking lot at 4:20pm without paying the $10 for parking and see a sea of people covered in mud and awesomeness washing up at their cars. I’m at least going to get my Warrior Hat and t-shirt. I paid for that shit. I see the registration booth is nearly all packed up so I walk over and explain my troubles and they give me my hat and shirt without checking if I’m telling truth or not, then the guy at registration opens the sky and rains down hope.

Guy at registration

Well there’s another wave at 5pm. They should be able to get you in there. Just go over to that other booth and they should take care of it.

Young Bald Black man with Tattoos on his face:

Oh shit. It’s still going to happen. As long as I get to run, this whole clusterfuck was worth it.

I run over to the other booth and young woman says…

Oh those guys are just volunteers but let me see if you can just jump in now.

OK. It’s not dead yet. I’m still going to earn this Warrior Hat!

Young woman at booth

We are so glad you were able to make it down here get you stuff. We have the mud pit all set up and food and beer and tons of people.

Unfortunately they just started taking down the Start of the course a few minutes ago and because of insurance and liability we cannot allow you on the course.

It takes a second for her words to sink in. I was already wearing an ear to ear grin because I saw light at the end of this tunnel. She writes my information down and says they might be able to offer me a discount for next year’s dash, although I’m sure that post-it has been lost. I got there just in time to no compete. I walk into the arena and see all the people with beer and hats. All the families and groups of friends covered in mud and smiling. Not a single person walking, sitting or standing alone. Except me. By myself and clean. I walked out to the parking lot and there’s a motor home with what could only be the local NRA chapter yelling at cars as they pass by. There are more families embracing each other and how awesome it was. I think I actually saw one of them finish the race when I walked in. Then I saw a young black couple playfully rinsing each other off with water bottles. Laughing. Happy. I hop into my car and just sit there. I want to cry but the tears won’t come.  I drive out and hit the long road home.

My mom told me that with the events and my frustration with it all that I sounded exactly like my Dad, if only she could see how I shaved my head to look just like him as well and dedicated the Dash to him.  She told me how he’d get into situations where all he could do is sit there and think, “Shit. I fucked up and there is absolutely nothing I can do anymore.” Pushing as far as possible to salvage what he can, even to his detriment. I now know why because I’m the exact same way. I fought to make this happen with everything I had in me and lost. I spent lots of cash and time, both of which I’m not even really concerned with. The money is just paper, it literally comes from trees. They print more everyday and you can always get it if you really want it. The time will never come back neither will the time I spent writing this or the time you spent reading so it’s also a non issue. I haven't seen my watch since that day. That sucks. I search for it every single day. But what really hurt is my pride and maybe a few other intangible feelings that I’m now pretty bad at covering for long.  I tried my best and I lost. I know that actors are supposed to have tough skin but over the past couple of years that skin as all been rubbed away. Fortunately I still have an obscenely hard head so that should carry through until I grow new skin. As an isolated incident this wasn’t that big a deal and I can now laugh about it, but since it’s part of the glorious shit storm of what have been the BEST and WORST years of my life so far…well…I guess it’s easy to see why I’m raw and in many ways I’m broken.

I hope you got a laugh out of the first 95% of this.

My life, your entertainment.

RUN

I just want to run until I can't run anymore and when I hit that wall I want to keep running until my lungs can't pull in enough oxygen and my body can't take any more pressure and when I collaspe I hope that I have pushed myself enough to earn the right to embrace you again cause memories just aren't cutting it anymore.

Clarence Carter- Strokin'

This your new favorite DJ Curvy D-ontha-V on the station that keeps it crackalakin'. If ya lickin' thatz WBALLZ. Now I love my gangsta shit but I got an oldie but goodie for ya tonight. I know somebody out there is Strokin' right now or at least thinking about Stokin' or trying to start Strokin' or might be mad cause your not Strokin'. Whatever your Strokin status might be, let the sounds of Clarence Carter be your guide.

recharge rhyming is soooo therapeutic

Felt a little discouraged when I woke up and had to recharge myself with a little braggadocio and a workout. Writing and sweating will snap you right out of that sucka shit real quick.

It’s easy to get discouraged but it’s hard for me to quit

So until I stop breathing I’m gonna keep talking shit

My loved ones barely know what I’m really dealing with

Fighting for my kingship, but opposition is a myth

There’s nobody in front me saying what I can't do

So I’m looking in the mirror asking “Nigga, who is you?”

My chest is hardened steel and my heart pumps gold

And after God made me, I bought and broke the mold

The only man built like me is in a box in my room

And if you think you come close then please lead me to my tomb

I’m on my Highlander and there can only be one

So I’m swinging for your head until my soul rest with the sun

My eyes are to heavens and I’m picking out some stars

So I can pluck them out the sky and replace their light with ours

What the world’s willing to give me will never be enough

So I’ll take what I want and naysayers will get snuffed

I’m building an empire so try and catch me if you can

You can roast in the flames or you can take my hand

Either way, this train is moving so please get off the track

And if you really wanna roll, join the party on my back

Confidence, Assholes, and not acting a bitch...

Confidence is an unruly beast. When it’s up, it’s way up and when it’s down, it’s nonexistent. When you have too much you’re perceived as arrogant and when you have too little you feel like a bitch. In between arrogance and bitchassness there is a massive grey area where what and who you are may seem a bit unclear. I recently stumbled across a collection of things I wrote years ago, before things started to fall to shit and life took off the gloves to put on brass knuckles.  I recall the days where there was an endless supply of swag, foolish pride, and self assuredness in my pockets. A time when being smaller than my friends and having far too many teeth in my mouth had no effect on how fly I knew I was. Back when at first read of a script, that characters voice came right out and even after weeks of exploration I’d find that initial voice is right where I needed to be the whole time. The recent years have drained me of such confidence and replaced my pockets with doubt and questions. I over think EVERYTHING, I stopped trusting my instincts, I cut off my impulses, and that voice that used to be mine disappeared. Over the past few weeks or so I’ve started to hear that voice again but I’ve rarely followed it.  That voice is my instincts telling me exactly what I want to do (as well as what I definitely should not do) at that very moment and I’ve noticed that the few occasions when I followed it have yielded the best results and the times where I’ve ignored it have ended in flames. Now if you do the math on that, it sounds like it would behoove me to follow that voice, trust my instincts, and act on my impulses. There is no shortage of positive reinforcement out there in regard to my talent as an actor and my character as a man. My friends and family make sure of that and I love them for it. The only person casting a negative light on me is ME (and maybe the occasional crazy ex). I can be an amazing actor, friend, lover, man, warrior, and more. I can do anything I want to. It’s ok to be a little arrogant sometimes. Most people enjoy the company of Assholes, but nobody likes being around a Bitch. There are limits though; being an Asshole is an art (I learned the craft from my Dad). Being a complete Prick is just lazy and selfish. People’s feelings matter and Pricks don’t concern themselves with such things. At this stage in my life it’s not possible for me to be a Prick, not that I want to. I’m too emotionally wide open to not take people’s feelings into account and I genuinely enjoy being awesome. But I will say that Pricks are pretty good at getting exactly what they want, mostly because they don’t care how it affects YOU. It’s not necessary to be a Prick, plus Pricks always wonder why nobody likes them. All you…well I don’t know about you…but all I have to do is stop thinking so damn much, trust my instincts, follow my impulses, let that voice be the first thing out of my mouth, respect everyone around me, and not act a bitch. That positive energy will attract positive energy and maybe, just maybe we’ll all get what makes us happy.

Idle hands...too much me.

  I have so much time on my hands now that when I go to the bathroom to take a piss, my dick screams, "No no no! Not again!" Then I say, "Calm down. It's ok. I'm just peeing. You're safe for now." He's scared of me because he knows what idle hands are capable of.

   It's not like I have nothing to do. I'm working on 2 independent films, a play for festival, and I'm supposed to be learning Spanish and the piano. I'm working out a lot. Writing again. There's..stuff, right? But school got me so used to being obscenely busy that when I look at my calendar and see more open space than I've ever seen...I freak out.

    I'm currently losing my mind. This blog is certainly keeping some of my sanity intact because friends ask me if I'm alright and I usually lie and say I'm great. Mostly because I find myself stuck when it comes to expressing my own feelings as myself. I can write them out in rhyme, I can channel them through a character, and from time to time they can explode out of me and scare the shit out of whoever I'm talking to. I don't talk to too many people and the few I do talk to get it because they allow me to feel comfortable being myself, no matter which version of myself is present at the moment. Not saying that anything is fake, but meaning that there are so many colors to my personality and sometimes one is more prominent than the others. The one currently giving me the most grief is the gentle, sweet, highly emotional Bruce. That motherfucker is really getting on my nerves but he's probably the truest one in the bunch. He's also kicking the shit out of the more aggressive parts of me so maybe he's a little more hardcore than it seems. I'm scared for him still. He's always at risk and he always has been.

    My Dad was worried about him too. I remember joking with my Dad on the phone about a situation then he got real serious with me and with more concern than I ever heard from him he said, "Be careful. Because you give too much and you give from the heart." I didn't know what to say. I knew he was right but i didn't know how to take it. He teased me relentlessly about that part of me, all in good fun and completely out of love because I know it was in him too. We just didn't come up the same way so we didn't turn out as carbon copies but for every one difference, there are two similarities. 

    The blaring similarity at moment...WE CANNOT STAND STILL!!!! The only time he was still was when he was sleep. Soon as his eyes opened, he was out the door. 5am, knocking on my wall. "Let's go for a ride". Where do we go? Super K-mart. Why? I don't even know. Sometimes we'd end up eating at "The ORIGINAL Pantry Cafe" or hitting the flower stands as soon as they open to get first pick of the freshest flowers or we'd  just drive, in silence. 

He had a lot of HIMSELF and to occupy all that extra person, he put his energy into us. Last he told me on the subject was to put everything I had into my work and my woman. Not sure if he phrased it that well but that sounds about right. So that's what I want to do. Of course, I'm single at the moment, and whenever I find the woman to put that energy into, she'll have to share it with the 3 women in L.A. that keep me alive (Tracy, Brandi, and Brittany Lemon), but I'm sure she'll understand. She'll see me. I got so much ME that i don't know what to do with it, and she'll have so much ME that she'll be giving out old ME to her friends to make room for new ME every season.