Confidence, Assholes, and not acting a bitch...

Confidence is an unruly beast. When it’s up, it’s way up and when it’s down, it’s nonexistent. When you have too much you’re perceived as arrogant and when you have too little you feel like a bitch. In between arrogance and bitchassness there is a massive grey area where what and who you are may seem a bit unclear. I recently stumbled across a collection of things I wrote years ago, before things started to fall to shit and life took off the gloves to put on brass knuckles.  I recall the days where there was an endless supply of swag, foolish pride, and self assuredness in my pockets. A time when being smaller than my friends and having far too many teeth in my mouth had no effect on how fly I knew I was. Back when at first read of a script, that characters voice came right out and even after weeks of exploration I’d find that initial voice is right where I needed to be the whole time. The recent years have drained me of such confidence and replaced my pockets with doubt and questions. I over think EVERYTHING, I stopped trusting my instincts, I cut off my impulses, and that voice that used to be mine disappeared. Over the past few weeks or so I’ve started to hear that voice again but I’ve rarely followed it.  That voice is my instincts telling me exactly what I want to do (as well as what I definitely should not do) at that very moment and I’ve noticed that the few occasions when I followed it have yielded the best results and the times where I’ve ignored it have ended in flames. Now if you do the math on that, it sounds like it would behoove me to follow that voice, trust my instincts, and act on my impulses. There is no shortage of positive reinforcement out there in regard to my talent as an actor and my character as a man. My friends and family make sure of that and I love them for it. The only person casting a negative light on me is ME (and maybe the occasional crazy ex). I can be an amazing actor, friend, lover, man, warrior, and more. I can do anything I want to. It’s ok to be a little arrogant sometimes. Most people enjoy the company of Assholes, but nobody likes being around a Bitch. There are limits though; being an Asshole is an art (I learned the craft from my Dad). Being a complete Prick is just lazy and selfish. People’s feelings matter and Pricks don’t concern themselves with such things. At this stage in my life it’s not possible for me to be a Prick, not that I want to. I’m too emotionally wide open to not take people’s feelings into account and I genuinely enjoy being awesome. But I will say that Pricks are pretty good at getting exactly what they want, mostly because they don’t care how it affects YOU. It’s not necessary to be a Prick, plus Pricks always wonder why nobody likes them. All you…well I don’t know about you…but all I have to do is stop thinking so damn much, trust my instincts, follow my impulses, let that voice be the first thing out of my mouth, respect everyone around me, and not act a bitch. That positive energy will attract positive energy and maybe, just maybe we’ll all get what makes us happy.