recharge rhyming is soooo therapeutic

Felt a little discouraged when I woke up and had to recharge myself with a little braggadocio and a workout. Writing and sweating will snap you right out of that sucka shit real quick.

It’s easy to get discouraged but it’s hard for me to quit

So until I stop breathing I’m gonna keep talking shit

My loved ones barely know what I’m really dealing with

Fighting for my kingship, but opposition is a myth

There’s nobody in front me saying what I can't do

So I’m looking in the mirror asking “Nigga, who is you?”

My chest is hardened steel and my heart pumps gold

And after God made me, I bought and broke the mold

The only man built like me is in a box in my room

And if you think you come close then please lead me to my tomb

I’m on my Highlander and there can only be one

So I’m swinging for your head until my soul rest with the sun

My eyes are to heavens and I’m picking out some stars

So I can pluck them out the sky and replace their light with ours

What the world’s willing to give me will never be enough

So I’ll take what I want and naysayers will get snuffed

I’m building an empire so try and catch me if you can

You can roast in the flames or you can take my hand

Either way, this train is moving so please get off the track

And if you really wanna roll, join the party on my back

Confidence, Assholes, and not acting a bitch...

Confidence is an unruly beast. When it’s up, it’s way up and when it’s down, it’s nonexistent. When you have too much you’re perceived as arrogant and when you have too little you feel like a bitch. In between arrogance and bitchassness there is a massive grey area where what and who you are may seem a bit unclear. I recently stumbled across a collection of things I wrote years ago, before things started to fall to shit and life took off the gloves to put on brass knuckles.  I recall the days where there was an endless supply of swag, foolish pride, and self assuredness in my pockets. A time when being smaller than my friends and having far too many teeth in my mouth had no effect on how fly I knew I was. Back when at first read of a script, that characters voice came right out and even after weeks of exploration I’d find that initial voice is right where I needed to be the whole time. The recent years have drained me of such confidence and replaced my pockets with doubt and questions. I over think EVERYTHING, I stopped trusting my instincts, I cut off my impulses, and that voice that used to be mine disappeared. Over the past few weeks or so I’ve started to hear that voice again but I’ve rarely followed it.  That voice is my instincts telling me exactly what I want to do (as well as what I definitely should not do) at that very moment and I’ve noticed that the few occasions when I followed it have yielded the best results and the times where I’ve ignored it have ended in flames. Now if you do the math on that, it sounds like it would behoove me to follow that voice, trust my instincts, and act on my impulses. There is no shortage of positive reinforcement out there in regard to my talent as an actor and my character as a man. My friends and family make sure of that and I love them for it. The only person casting a negative light on me is ME (and maybe the occasional crazy ex). I can be an amazing actor, friend, lover, man, warrior, and more. I can do anything I want to. It’s ok to be a little arrogant sometimes. Most people enjoy the company of Assholes, but nobody likes being around a Bitch. There are limits though; being an Asshole is an art (I learned the craft from my Dad). Being a complete Prick is just lazy and selfish. People’s feelings matter and Pricks don’t concern themselves with such things. At this stage in my life it’s not possible for me to be a Prick, not that I want to. I’m too emotionally wide open to not take people’s feelings into account and I genuinely enjoy being awesome. But I will say that Pricks are pretty good at getting exactly what they want, mostly because they don’t care how it affects YOU. It’s not necessary to be a Prick, plus Pricks always wonder why nobody likes them. All you…well I don’t know about you…but all I have to do is stop thinking so damn much, trust my instincts, follow my impulses, let that voice be the first thing out of my mouth, respect everyone around me, and not act a bitch. That positive energy will attract positive energy and maybe, just maybe we’ll all get what makes us happy.

Idle hands...too much me.

  I have so much time on my hands now that when I go to the bathroom to take a piss, my dick screams, "No no no! Not again!" Then I say, "Calm down. It's ok. I'm just peeing. You're safe for now." He's scared of me because he knows what idle hands are capable of.

   It's not like I have nothing to do. I'm working on 2 independent films, a play for festival, and I'm supposed to be learning Spanish and the piano. I'm working out a lot. Writing again. There's..stuff, right? But school got me so used to being obscenely busy that when I look at my calendar and see more open space than I've ever seen...I freak out.

    I'm currently losing my mind. This blog is certainly keeping some of my sanity intact because friends ask me if I'm alright and I usually lie and say I'm great. Mostly because I find myself stuck when it comes to expressing my own feelings as myself. I can write them out in rhyme, I can channel them through a character, and from time to time they can explode out of me and scare the shit out of whoever I'm talking to. I don't talk to too many people and the few I do talk to get it because they allow me to feel comfortable being myself, no matter which version of myself is present at the moment. Not saying that anything is fake, but meaning that there are so many colors to my personality and sometimes one is more prominent than the others. The one currently giving me the most grief is the gentle, sweet, highly emotional Bruce. That motherfucker is really getting on my nerves but he's probably the truest one in the bunch. He's also kicking the shit out of the more aggressive parts of me so maybe he's a little more hardcore than it seems. I'm scared for him still. He's always at risk and he always has been.

    My Dad was worried about him too. I remember joking with my Dad on the phone about a situation then he got real serious with me and with more concern than I ever heard from him he said, "Be careful. Because you give too much and you give from the heart." I didn't know what to say. I knew he was right but i didn't know how to take it. He teased me relentlessly about that part of me, all in good fun and completely out of love because I know it was in him too. We just didn't come up the same way so we didn't turn out as carbon copies but for every one difference, there are two similarities. 

    The blaring similarity at moment...WE CANNOT STAND STILL!!!! The only time he was still was when he was sleep. Soon as his eyes opened, he was out the door. 5am, knocking on my wall. "Let's go for a ride". Where do we go? Super K-mart. Why? I don't even know. Sometimes we'd end up eating at "The ORIGINAL Pantry Cafe" or hitting the flower stands as soon as they open to get first pick of the freshest flowers or we'd  just drive, in silence. 

He had a lot of HIMSELF and to occupy all that extra person, he put his energy into us. Last he told me on the subject was to put everything I had into my work and my woman. Not sure if he phrased it that well but that sounds about right. So that's what I want to do. Of course, I'm single at the moment, and whenever I find the woman to put that energy into, she'll have to share it with the 3 women in L.A. that keep me alive (Tracy, Brandi, and Brittany Lemon), but I'm sure she'll understand. She'll see me. I got so much ME that i don't know what to do with it, and she'll have so much ME that she'll be giving out old ME to her friends to make room for new ME every season.

U See?

Solo

Watching the fireworks fall over Manhattan

Surrounded by people I don’t know.

 And I got friends. What happen?

Maybe it’s a metaphor for how “right now” should be

Six weeks out of grad school and I have yet to meet ME

U See,

I’m full of rage from Pops surgical table slaying

It’s no game and I aint playing. I really mean it when I’m saying

That I never really tried to deal with what that loss did to me

Just tried to push through that year and half to get to my degree

Now I have no distractions and it’s pummeling me

While I’m reaching for my dreams and their running from me

El Diablo on my heels. Aimed and gunning for me

But I was raised on the water. Flames are nothing to me.             

U See,

I thought my Dad had a Superman Complex

Till Wonder Woman whispered in my ear, “Baby, you’re next.”

Then I awoke, screaming, crying, in a cold sweat

Phoning banks about my big check that aint came yet

U See,

 To me, I’m 5 years behind where I should be

Developing buildings in New York, Not renting out in Jersey

So if I seem a little off, it’s just ‘cause I’m hungry

With not enough on my plate so I’m forced to eat me…

U see?

To sum it up. Pops ending and my beginning

Is the reason that my heart is racing and my head’s spinning

So Kal-El shall be chilling in the Fortress of Solitude

Till Jor-El appears in dreams and my confidence is renewed