It's not like I have nothing to do. I'm working on 2 independent films, a play for festival, and I'm supposed to be learning Spanish and the piano. I'm working out a lot. Writing again. There's..stuff, right? But school got me so used to being obscenely busy that when I look at my calendar and see more open space than I've ever seen...I freak out.
I'm currently losing my mind. This blog is certainly keeping some of my sanity intact because friends ask me if I'm alright and I usually lie and say I'm great. Mostly because I find myself stuck when it comes to expressing my own feelings as myself. I can write them out in rhyme, I can channel them through a character, and from time to time they can explode out of me and scare the shit out of whoever I'm talking to. I don't talk to too many people and the few I do talk to get it because they allow me to feel comfortable being myself, no matter which version of myself is present at the moment. Not saying that anything is fake, but meaning that there are so many colors to my personality and sometimes one is more prominent than the others. The one currently giving me the most grief is the gentle, sweet, highly emotional Bruce. That motherfucker is really getting on my nerves but he's probably the truest one in the bunch. He's also kicking the shit out of the more aggressive parts of me so maybe he's a little more hardcore than it seems. I'm scared for him still. He's always at risk and he always has been.
My Dad was worried about him too. I remember joking with my Dad on the phone about a situation then he got real serious with me and with more concern than I ever heard from him he said, "Be careful. Because you give too much and you give from the heart." I didn't know what to say. I knew he was right but i didn't know how to take it. He teased me relentlessly about that part of me, all in good fun and completely out of love because I know it was in him too. We just didn't come up the same way so we didn't turn out as carbon copies but for every one difference, there are two similarities.
The blaring similarity at moment...WE CANNOT STAND STILL!!!! The only time he was still was when he was sleep. Soon as his eyes opened, he was out the door. 5am, knocking on my wall. "Let's go for a ride". Where do we go? Super K-mart. Why? I don't even know. Sometimes we'd end up eating at "The ORIGINAL Pantry Cafe" or hitting the flower stands as soon as they open to get first pick of the freshest flowers or we'd just drive, in silence.
He had a lot of HIMSELF and to occupy all that extra person, he put his energy into us. Last he told me on the subject was to put everything I had into my work and my woman. Not sure if he phrased it that well but that sounds about right. So that's what I want to do. Of course, I'm single at the moment, and whenever I find the woman to put that energy into, she'll have to share it with the 3 women in L.A. that keep me alive (Tracy, Brandi, and Brittany Lemon), but I'm sure she'll understand. She'll see me. I got so much ME that i don't know what to do with it, and she'll have so much ME that she'll be giving out old ME to her friends to make room for new ME every season.
